Paradise Philippines

here i am, once again struggling to adjust, to meet expectations, to do an entirely different job. it's funny when i think about it: just when you have everything down, that you can do your job with eyes closed and a hand behind your back, i am yet again groping around in the dark. kaya ko to! aja!

the sweetest bf/fiance in the world prepped me up with Mr. Bamboo, a gtec pen, and some push pins. i knew that we are going to fight, we always do when we have to go through adjustments in our routine. i expected it, but maybe a let in a little bit of hope that maybe, maybe i will be surprised.

i hope this won't be as hard as i'm anticipating.

and now, for something interesting:

try it! try it!

back to work. babush.

one more:

Currently feeling: anxious

we all like gossip. those who say they don't are fat, oily hypocrites. we talk about someone else's life, because it's human nature to be interested in other creatures. hell, we even analyze insects and animals. it's not a sin to be human. it only becomes a sin when you cross a line.

and a very thin, very fine line divides a healthy need for gossip to outright malice. unfortunately, i've been unlucky enough to run into a few of them--one was even a "friend". they tell stories, they make trouble. and this is the only thing that makes them feel good. they convince themselves that they are the better ones, the one who has gained the upperhand. and nothing is worse than someone who's only there when they need something, only to slice your spine once your back is turned.

and though it makes me want to throw a terrible temper tantrum and to retaliate, i still can't help but a feel a bit of pity for this kind of people. people who spreads foul gossip, people who will do anything at all to see you crawling around in the ground.

i can't help but imagine how terrible their existence must be--that they had to pull others down just so they could feel good about themselves.

my officemates have been so great, so far. they check on me from time to time, making sure i'm not too lonely or that im never left out. and i really appreciate it. and this, i owe it all to Riz.

im still adjusting, but i get the feeling i just might get the hang of it.

i love you!

okay, this is the last time i will ever, ever experiment with coffee.

i didn't have a lot to do today, and my butt has been aching for sitting down too long, so i figured, y'know, i should probably get up and just shake it off. so i walked and paced in front of my pc. it didn't seem enough, so i walked to the pantry--mistake number one. mistake number two occured when i looked at the mugs and decided to pull a rory/lorelai thing, and become a coffee addict. never mind the fact that i never drink coffee.

so now my heart is pounding like crazy and i feel nauseous and i have to pace around every few minutes to shake it off. and i swear, as much as i like Gilmore Girls, i will never, ever drink coffee again.

i can now officially say that in an office place, there will always, always be someone who's not okay with someone else. i've been here for just a week, and i already picked up on who's not ok with who. hehehe.

i'm gonna get out in a few minutes and have a date. yay!

the little drummer boys are back inside my chest. and yep, i broke my promise.

get that coffee away from me! arrrgghh!

did you know that BFAD-something-or-other is banning advertisements of all infant milk formulas? something about promoting breastfeeding or something. and Gabriella is standing behind this stupid shit, women empowerment and all. i don't get how forcing women who don't want to breastfeed could be women empowerment. i don't have anything against breastfeeding, but how about women who work? sick women? c'mon. these people should all be living in the, uh, 1800's or something. jeez.

and i still hate karen davila. i told my mom she probably has an executive boyfriend that's why she got to be a reporter. d'yu know, she asked a mentally challenged guy, whose relatives put him in a dog house kind of cage to prevent him from hurting others, "gusto mo bang nakakulong ka diyan?" OMG. who wants that, huh? who? i hate her. she asks stupid, insensitive questions.

gotta go. have a date.

minsan nakakalungkot isipin, mas tao pa ang ugali ng mga alaga kong aso kesa sa ibang totoong "tao" na nakilala ko sa buhay ko.

A man who had a bad day at work offered to drive his boss home. But on the way, the engine broke down. They were closer to his house so he offered to stop by his home while they wait for a towing service and have the car fixed. As they were about to enter his house, he stopped by a tree, touched one of its branches, and went inside with his boss. His boss noticed a change in the man--he played with his kids, and hugged and kissed his wife. As they were making their way back out, the boss asked him "Why did you touch this tree earlier?". The man said "Oh, that's my trouble tree. Everynight I stop and hang my troubles so that I won't bring them to my house."

That was something I read from Reader's Digest way back. And no, it's not the exact words, but i can't find the issue okay?

Anyway, i remembered this little anecdote because I remember thinking, that's the way every parent should be. leave their money or job problems outside their house, not take it out on their kids. i don't wanna be the kind of mommy who yell at her babies because she's not in the mood to play or look at their crayon pictures.

but lately, i have been like that. job and money troubles combined made me surly and grumpy and neurotic. i haven't played with my babies in a while. i yell at them when they jump and try to lick my face. i've been a bad mommy, to daddy also. i worry about money and the house and bills even when we are together and supposed to be droppin' it all and having fun. i definitely need a trouble tree. or a portable trouble rack, so i could take it to the mall when we date. or a portable trouble hanger. definitely something portable.

that should change now. im not as tired as i used to be, anyway, now that i've got normal working hours. i just need to keep in mind that i need a break as well.

but right now, break's over. back to work.

working here is bound to make me a coffee addict in about 1 month flat. i don't know why, but drinking coffee makes me think. i can write when i have a cup in my hands, caffeine in my system. i downed two cups in 1 hour today. although im not sure if my prefered concotion counts. i can only handle about a teaspoon of coffee and lots of cream and sugar. any more than that, the drummer boys will be back inside my chest. yep, with tap dancers too.

i tried to fight it, just so you know. every time i am staring at a blank page in my monitor, blinking back at the flashing cursor (which terribly reminds me of a tapping shoe), my thoughts start drifting to coffee. and i would tell myself "no, no coffee! bad coffee!", and i will calm down, try to write, blink blink, thoughts stray to coffee, shout to self "no! bad coffee! must kill coffee!", stare at the monitor, cursor (impatiently taps), thoughts stray to coffee...

ah, the vicious cycle.

so i had to give in. for my sanity you know. and for the sake of getting things done on time.

we had so much rush work to do this week, i couldn't finish them all off. much love to my team mates, who all pitched in and wrote (a lot of) my articles. someday, when i am rich and famous, i will pay you back.

and it's funny how addicted you become to changing your YM status when you're stressed. clue: the words "die", "death", and "suicide" comes up every few minutes. wanna see?

photo care of Riz, thankyouverymuch.  

ahh. long weekend. i swear this thought kept us alive this week.

and now, i will date. fun fun! 

sometimes i really do think that a majority of tourists foreigners come to the Philippines because they think our country is an overflowing sex pot. and who could blame them.

last tuesday, just as i was coming home from our date, i recieved an SMS message from my mom saying that she's still in a meeting. and since she has the key to our house, i told her i'll wait in Robinson's Ermita. but the mall was closing since it was already past 9, so i went straight ahead and decided to wait in Baywalk instead. i haven't been there for quite sometime and i kind of missed the salty sea air.

however, there was no salty sea air to geet me when i got there. the water was gray and stinky. but still, i decided that i will cease smelling that after a while because my nose will somehow get used to it (we studied that in Psych) and i sat along the low wall that lines the shore.

i have been sitting for some time, watching the fishes swim with a probably very sad look on my face because i was thinking how unfortunate it was that those fishes are living in stinky, dirty water and it's not even their fault. i mean we live in the midst or every kind of pollution you can think of, especially in Manila, but that's our fault. the fishes have done nothing wong.

anyway, i was sitting for a while, pondering that situation, when a couple of guys came up behind me. one was Filipino, the other was an Arab. the Arab looked at the water and gave a little laugh. the he said:

Arab: what time is it?
me: it's nine fifteen.
Arab: im **** (i didn't quite catch this part), name?
me: huh?
Fil: ano daw pangalan mo. sige tatranslate ko
me: *in my mind: translate mo muka mo* ...
Arab: what's your name?
me:..
Fil: wag ka matakot
me: ...
Arab: dont be scared, i will help you.
me: i don't need help.
Arab: do you wanna go to a cafe?
me: *heart pounding wildly* no, i don't need help. i'm just waiting for my mom.

then they just moved away and i texted daddy to tell mom to come as quickly as she could because i felt like i was gonna have a heart attack.

this may be a simple, even funny, thing to some, but i for one think that it's an indication of something deeper and nastier. i'm no feminist, i do not believe in equality among the sexes. i do believe, however, in equal rights. between races, religions, sexes, creatures.

do you know that in Iraq or Iran (i forgot exactly where), men have complete and total rights over women? they have power to dominate, to torture, to sell, and to do whatever they damn please with their kids or their wives. sex abuse and prostitution are so rampant  that some even get married just so they could sell their wife to a brothel. i remember reading an article about a 7-year-old girl who was sold to a brothel by her stepfather, i think. she was physically and sexually abuse by lots of men bigger than she was, that the two discs at the bottom of her spine got broken. by age nine, she was infected by three different kinds of sexually transmitted diseases.

the world is full of perverts.

and i can't stand it.

i will not stand for it.

PS:

sometimes, i think im too observant for my own good. but there are times that i like it.

like when i notice a couple of smiles spread over a couple of faces.

that also makes me smile.

three smiles.