Paradise Philippines

i changed my username and took myself out of everyone's friends list, so basically, i am a non-exister (add me! add me!), whatever you think that means. haha.

it had to be done. since everyone knows where my blog is and who exactly owns it, and is in fact, being accessed by people you spent the last 3 or 4 years with, blogging is more of a stress than an outlet. try it sometime, and you'll realize (quickly) that you can't blog and write about things without at least one person thinking it's about him/her. even my last entry hit somebody. jeez. also, i kept hearing remarks on how or why i always write about my love life. eh sa kinikilig ako eh, bakit ba?  using the friends only feature is no good, i have close friends who come here who's either not in tabulas or doesn't blog. additionally, some people think i do it to spite his ex. it's just too much. at least now, i can write without worrying about other people's (guilty?) consciences, and without his ex poring over my entries thinking it is about her/for her/meant for her. for the life of me, i can't see why they complain about my blog and then kept on reading it. and now, i got rid of em all! absolute and total freedom, that's what this is.

and to kick off my blog's second life, i decided to reward myself with a brand-spanking-new layout to go with my brand-spanking-new username. yes, i know it's too white, but i kinda like it that way.

kumpleto ba naman ang entry kung walang..

KILIG STORY OF THE DAY:

Saturday, just finished ordering our food from Jollibee, when he said he needs to go to the CR. of course, i said yes. he took such a long time in coming back that i began to think he lost me in the crowd (like me, he has an AMAZING sense of direction. heehee.). I just won in a staring match with a little girl who pissed me off when she climbed up the seat beside me therefore invading my personal space (yeah, yeah. i wasn't in my best temper) when he reappeared, whipped out a single, long-stemmed pink rose from his back and said "surprise."

and surprise me he did. i really couldn't help the silly grin that swept my face.

okay, so maybe i get a little bit too corny sometimes. i'll hand out free barf bags next time.

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it seems to me, a lot of people are misunderstanding my boyfriend these days.

some of you may know, he has been experimenting with some poetry lately. and i was happy with his move. he finally got enough confidence to try something else, something i suggested to him months ago but he rejected, saying he needs to perfect his current style first. i didn't say anything more, coz what the fuck, i don't know anything about it anyway.

and now, just when he is starting to stand on his own, made a decision to write something else without my prodding, all these people suddenly knows better and started to bring him down. constructive criticism is one thing. wanting to ridicule someone is another.

writers have a lot of pride. and poets have even more. they think they alone knows what's right, what's wrong, what should be and should not be. probably why i never enjoyed my course and why i discouraged myself from joining orgs and school papers. i could never feel comfortable working with people who thinks they're better than everyone else. i would become miss insecurity personified. but i digress.

anyway, my boyfriend might seem like he's got the biggest ego in the face of the planet, and this bothers me. it just started in this post he wrote, where he posted some testimonials written for him/about him in his entry. now, before i go on, let me just make 3 points clear:

1. he likes flattery (and i will give The Finger to whoever says they don't )
2. his temper can cool down and implode in a matter of seconds
3. it takes a certain amount of subtlety to get through to him, and make him see your point without him taking it as an insult

now, having these three points clear, can you say you don't understand why he posted those testimonials? why he reacted that way to those not-so-constructive criticisms? the testimonials were there, simply to show his appreciation to people who lifted his mood. not to brag about what a good writer he is. the sad truth is that most of the time, he burdens himself with thoughts that his writing sucks, and i have to shake him to make him believe that yes, he can write. and this is why i hate these people so much, knowing how frail his confidence really is. people who never spent time with him suddenly flings their shitty judgement everywhere. and these are people who claim to know what they are talking about.

well, i know where they're coming from. and i know exactly what they will say in defense of themselves. they're just people who passed by and his entry made the wrong impression. which pounded the nail right on the head. they are just people who passed by. therefore, people who didn't really know (him) any better.

and with regards to his poetry, the only thing i can say right now is that i'm glad he's trying to change his style. who cares if he fell flat on his face? we don't, and i just don't get why those people do. he'll never learn what is good from bad, right poetry and wrong poetry, or "right poetry" as you claim if he didn't come out of his shell and experimented. his poetry's wrong? what i really dont get is why does it matter so much to all of them? the thing is, if they all just really want to help, i bet they wouldn't be so condescending.

i hate that i'm bothered by this, but i just am. and really, it just feels good to let it out.

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it was a motto splashed across a bright yellow t-shirt of the man sitting opposite me in the jeepney. and since i was feeling sick of school at that particular moment (and i know that comes as a big shock to y'all, ), i found myself mentally nodding vigorously in agreement.

but although i spent the last four years of my life feeling like our professors are instructing us to eat shit everytime they set an assignment, i am grateful to education for a few things: it introduced me to books, pens, and computers. aside from those three, i'd say education pretty much ruined me (and plenty others).

"Education is an admirable thing, but it is as well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." — Oscar Wilde

education is a good thing to have. but the thing about it is this--having a diploma with a glittering transcript and stellar resume to boot does not assure you of survival. it does not give people prosperity evermore. and you know what i hate most about it? it becomes a seed of out-of-line "supremacy"--the notion that some people are better than others. admit it. when we come across some foulmouthed asshole, the first thing that will come into our minds would be something along the lines of "ano ba yan! walang pinag-aralan!". and we say it with such conviction. as if we know for sure.

as if people with education are in no way capable of such attitude.

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"Too much knowledge is a dangerous thing."--(hindi ko mahanap sino nagsabi eh. sorry. )

i beg to disagree.

first of all, there can never be too much knowledge. no such thing. one discovery will lead to another, and another and another. there can never be too much. there will always, always be room for learning. it starts becoming dangerous when a person who is learning begin to feel, to believe, that he has learned so much. so much that he begins to think of himself as superior. that he begins to scorn those who has not learned as much as he does.

[isang maiksing kwento]

dati, naging parte ako ng isang maliit na evangelical theater group. maraming gustong pumasok. pero kakarampot ang pumasa. masaya naman and ekspiryens. madaming naging prens. pero hindi yun ang kwento. haha.

marami kaming advantages. nakakapasok kami sa simbahan kahit na sarado ito para sa lahat. iba ang upuan namin kapag may mga youth activities. at dahil nakikita kaming umarte at sumayaw, nagsimula na rin kaming makilala. sumikat kumbaga. VIP, kami yun. at syempre, nagsimula na ring maglakihan ang mga ulo namin. feeling namin, mas cool kami sa iba. bakit, VIP ba ang pwesto nila? umabot na sa punto na halos hindi na kami kumasya sa practice room--lumobo ng masyado ang mga ulo namin.

nagalit yung isang leader. miniting nya kami at sinabing "wag kayong magmalaki na nakapasok kayo dito. marami pang mas magaling sa inyo. hindi lang sila nag audition"

hindi ko yan kahit kailan nakalimutan.

[/tapos na ang maiksing kwento]

"If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?" — Thomas Huxley

asan nga ba? sino nga ba makakapagsabi na masyado na siyang maraming alam, na ligtas na sya sa kapahamakan ng kamangmangan? kung sino ka man, biktima ka ng edukasyon. tsktsk.

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a piece of advice to the invincible, knowledgeable ones.

wag kayong masyadong magmalaki. hindi lang kayo ang may alam. marami pang mas magaling sa inyo. hindi lang sila nakapag aral.

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huling hirit sa tag-init.

[isang kaawa-awang bikitima ng edukasyon ang nagsabi nito]

"This would be my last comment here in your blog. It has been a fun waste of time reading what you have written here. I was hoping that you'd progress with your writing from the comments that I've posted here. Sad to say you and your avid readers don't have the brain capacity to understand it. Why, you ask? Because you guys don't read much. Trapped in this microcosm of a blog, everything from the outside seems wrong to you..."

[/itigil ang malakas na hangin]

kailangan ko lang muna talagang ilabas to: "Because you guys don't read much."--sigurado ka diyan, tsong? baka matawa ka pag naisip mong katulad ng kinukutya mo, nagsalita ka rin tungkol sa isang bagay na wala kang kaalam-alam. tama na nga. nyaha.

see what feeling and believing that you have too much knowledge can do. now i understand why you've been acting that way. why, instead of calmly and patiently educating those who know less than you do, you suddenly took it into your heads to scorn, to riducle, to fling your somewhat intelligent yet totally unnecessary hostile remarks to show them how much you know and how much they don't. you probably felt it your duty to education. whatever.

[pero wag ka, sila rin ang nagsabi nito]

wow. you are so full of yourself, Karlo. and your girlfriend too. ok ka sana talaga ma-ere ka lang.

[/tapusin ang comedy]

um. sige na nga.

at kung filing mo para sayo to, baka hindi naman.

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~

ako alam ko.

wala kong maisip sabihin eh. hahaha. masaya kasi ako.

work is getting more and more stressful everyday. and im now im not so sure i'd want to stay here forever, like i originally envisioned. i want to get another job that is somewhat related to, yes believe it or not, writing. i don't know. i guess a break is really all i need. i kinda had to rethink my decisions. the other day, my OIC told me i'm the best in our batch (at anyabang ko anuba) and i felt sad that i will eventually let them down because i have been planning to leave. my brains are torn into shreds from trying to think of what to do. undecided until now. *sigh*

but i am slightly cheerful. i've just been to daddy's site and i can't help laughing at some of the comments. his readers are getting more and more sarcastic everyday. funny. even that loser who followed me all the way here just to shit on my tagboard (and on a certain other's tagboard) can't bring me down. hahaha. i actually find her funny. and flattering. what a fucking loser.

lapit na kaming mag anniv. yayness! at may date kami sa sat, yayness ulit, two times! ambaduy ko. shet. haha.

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a fault born out of perfection:

saturdays are over too soon.

i long to be free.

free of the ropes that keep my wings from spreading out, from these fetters that tie me to the ground. i want to dance drunkenly among sparkly neon stars and slide down multi-colored rainbowstrings. i want to sing the highest notes and eat cheese-slices of sunrise that infest my slumbers.

i want to be released from the cuffs that hold my hands together, give them freedom to move over paper whenever they wish. to glide and to ink as long as they please.

i was touching up my resume the other day, and another woman was doing the same thing a few PCs away. i glanced in her monitor as i was passing by. i don't want to be mean but i couldn't help smiling to myself as i saw this line:

Skills: Fluently in English

i wanted to tell her, for her sake, but of course that would be too intruding so i didn't. my mom had to smile too, when i told her later.  

too bad i can't see your face when your eyes meet a big blank white space, trying to access my blog. of course you'll eventually find a way around that, you are such a puppy-dog fan. i'm so important, you are that determined to watch my life.

it's still funny. hahahaha.

another problem with saturdays:

there are six days stretching out between each of them.

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Job Hunting Tip no. 1:

Shamelessly sell out all your good points.

sitting in that little office waiting for the hr person to call me for an interview, i found out that after months of treating my cell phone as a contraband item whenevr i'm at work, i am no longer used to having it out when inside office premises. i kept on looking around, unable to shake the feeling that i was doing something wrong. haha.

Job Hunting Tip no. 2:

Always bring an extra pen.

the exam was easy enough. basic grammar and english test, and some essays. i actually miss writing those essays. i scribbled furiously and finished a few minutes before another girl who was also taking the test with me did. i sat and waited for her, and suddenly, she turned to me and said "my extra pen ka?". i handed my own and smiled. (she's a girl daddy. don't be jealous. )

Job Hunting Tip no. 3:

Remember that each company has it's pros and cons.

a chance to practice the course i graduated from without sacrificing good pay. my current company pays more, but i really don't feel like i can keep on taking calls for the rest of my life. it's too stressful. i swear.

Job Hunting Tip no. 4:

Don't think about the things that might've been.

i would have liked to work with riz and with joni. i really do. i seriously considered applying to their company. but ortigas is kind of far from our home and 6 am is kind of a torture. not to mention it will run over our saturdates. and don't think about looking back. about the friends you'll leave behind, the Nescafe cofee vendo machine (with my favorite selection d5) and the choco mix i take home for daddy.

feel na feel ko naman tatanggapin na ko. nyahaha. sana. sana talaga. at sana rin mejo mataas ang sweldo. waaaah. torn between two jobs parin (1st job: PS, 2nd job:kung san man ako mapapadpad), tangena.

diko na sasabihin kung san yun baka may sumunod nanaman ewan ko na lang. jok.  

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yes, i am terribly guilty of schadenfreude (nakuha ko yan sa subscription ko sa webster dictionary!) right now. i'm sorry for that. it's hard not to smile when you feel that the truth will always, always come out. naniniwla ako sa karma. talaga.

 

a few last words:

• hindi ako yung mga nagtatag sa kanya (kahit matagal ko ng gusto dahil gusto ko ipagtanggol sarili ko)
• at hindi rin yun si karlo (kala ko nga sya eh. hindi pala sya nagoonline. busy lagi sa work. )
• hindi naman alam kung sino sila, kahit gusto kong malaman para makapagpasalamat dahil pinagtatanggol nila ko
• kundi nga lang tinuro sakin, diko pa malalaman ongoing pa pala yang issue na yan. tagal na eh, kumusta naman.

i know i shouldn't have bothered, but yes, i've said my piece. i felt, at that time, that it was a necessary, albeit the uncontrollable fruit of my out-of-control emotions, response to your pathetically unnecessary entry so i could redeem my boyfriend. i was wrong. i forgot, as a friend told me, that although you left out that part in your i-wanna-save-myself move, that everyone in our batch knew about the desperate attempts you made just to get him take to you back.

shouldn't have wasted my time.

i don't care anymore. can we just, you know, not care about each other? i know we can manage, but i don't know about you.

yung job. mukhang malabo. my enthusiasm was rather diminished after the final exam today. not because i felt that i flubbed it, but because of the nature of the work. hay, don't ask. i know it's just work, but i am not cut out for that. no.freaking.way. but i will continue looking for more prospects. eto ang motto para samin nila nia at edi (kaway!):

i.will.not.lose.hope.

nyahaha.

PS. puno ng links tong entry na to ah.

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SCENE 1

dy: wag ka late sa sat ha?
ako: hindi
..maya maya
dy: agahan mo ah
ako: oki.
dy: bawal ma late.
ako: opo
..maya maya ulit
ako: lapit na sat! yey!
dy: oo nga, yey!
ako: yey!
dy: wag ka ma late ha?
ako: tuwing tatanong mo sakin yan bayadan mo ko ng piso para naman yumaman ako
dy: cge basta tuwing may nakakalimutan ka, bayaran mo rin ako kahit 50 centavos lang, sigurado mas mayaman pako sayo
ako: hindi totoo yan!

SCENE 2

zai (locker partner ko): camille! hindi mo na shuffle yung lock natin
ako: ay! sori!
..kinabukasan
zai: huy, hindi mo nanaman na shuffle
ako: ay! sori! shushuffle ko na!
..maya mya
zai: camille, nakalimutan mo nanaman
ako: ay! sori!
kinabukasan
zai: camille! may kasalanan ka sakin
ako: naku! sori!
zai: lalagyan na kita ng signboard sa locker natin

hindi ako makakalimutin. as in hindi.

piece/peace, man, whoever you are, don't talk about things you have no knowledge about. you will embarass yourself. and for chrissakes, don't be a coward and leave a name.

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SONA nanaman. another fine opportunity for GMA to pose and display her toothy grin and report outlandish lies that was most likely prepared by someone else. pft. i haven't forgotten the height of her kaplastikan: shamelessly using 3 boys who ALLEGEDLY sent their wishes and dreams sailing in the form of paper boats along the Pasig River.

maraming plastik sa mundo. kung mamalasmalasin ka pa, makakakilala ka ng isang barkadahang ganito (ang mag react, guilty ). at kung MAS mamalasin ka, mararanasang mong maging "kaibigan" ang ganitong nilalang. i will never be comfortable with that ilk (c/o webster dictionary!)

[flashback]

during the last semester of my senior year, our faculty was aiming to be accredited before the year ends. the week that the accreditors came to our school to deliberate this, soap dispensers and hand blowers miraculously appeared in the girls' restrooms. after that week, however, the soap dispensers dried up, and the hand blowers gained rust and dust from being used as mere decorations.

strongly reminded of the time GMA teared down the squatters' houses because the president of America will be coming to visit. 

plastik. on both occassions, i must confess i wondered why in the world do they have to pretend providing the services, when they can provide it for real. boggles the mind.

[/end of flashback]

i agreed so many times with Bob Ong's Stainless Longganisa, it could be counted as a mortal sin.

isa sa mga pananaw ni Bob Ong na sinang-ayunan ko ay ang opinyon nya tungkol sa mga rally--na ang mga rally ay parang antibiotic na kapag palaging ginagamit, hindi na tumatalab. san totoo lang, hindi ko makita ang silbi ng mga rally (bukod sa laging walang pasok noon dahil sa kanila). kung pagbabago talaga ang gusto nila, dapat alam nilang hindi yun makukuha sa iilang oras na paghiyaw sa kalye. hindi ko problema ang kanilang paraan--ang hindi ko gusto ay ang kawalan ng determinasyon ng mga raliyista na "pinaglalaban" ang karapatang pantao. sa totoo lang, water hose lang ang katapat ng mga yan--at alam na alam yan ni glorya. naniniwala kasi ako na kung talagang buong buo ang kagustuhan nilang ipaglaban ang mga pinaniniwalaan nila, handa silang ikamatay yun. minsan naisip ko, para lang silang mga batang nagwawala dahil hindi pinayagang kumain ng lollipop, at ng tinakot ng pamalo eh bigla nalang huminto. at kung babanatan niyo ko ng "bakit ikaw, kaya mo ba yun?", ang sagot ko ay hindi. dahil hindi ko kayang ipilit na gawin ang isang bagay na hindi ko pinaniniwalaan. sa palagay ko naman eh wala ring kwentang paraan sa kanila ang pagsulat, kaya kwits lang siguro kami. haha.

isa pa, ang konsepto ng malayang pagsulat. sa pahina 58 ng Stainless Longganisa, mababasa niyo ito:

"Ayoko ng mga letrang de numero. Hindi ako sanay na niruruler ang mga salita. Yung sukat na sukat. Mathematical. Maski sa English class naghihikab ako pag hinihimay na ang mga salita. Parts of Speech. Sentence patterns. Subject and Verb agreement. Tenses. Oink-oink. Napag-aralan ko na ang mga yan, pero hindi masayang gamitin, di ko nagustuhan. Sa parehong paraan na hindi ko rin gaanong nagustuhan ang mga libro, tao, o institusyong napakahigpit sa balarila. Kaya nga mas masarap magsulat ng ganito e dahil sa konti ang mga pulis at mga nakikipagmagalingan."

lalo na sa mundong to. masyadong marami ang "magagaling". sinabi ko na noon, mas masayang kumanta ng hindi mo kailangan problemahin kung tama ba ang nota, tiyempo ba sa tunog, o kung magugustuhan ba ng mga nakikinig. pareho rin ang panananaw ko sa pagsusulat. angal ka?

at ito naman ay para sa pinaka epektibong manunulat na nakilala ko, noon at ngayon, ang taong walang pawis na nakakaimpluwensya ng emosyon at isipan ng ibang tao sa pamamagitan ng kanyang mga sinusulat:

"Ang importante meron kang mambabasang nabibigyan ng inspirasyon sa mundo. Magsulat ka para sa kanila, hindi para sa mga kritiko"--pahina 173, Stainless Longanisa

tagalog na tagalog ako no?

looking through my old journal, the little pink one i used to bring to school every day and stick little mementos from everyday mini dates, i found all sorts of receipts, candy wrappers, petals, whole flowers, notes. kind of cool looking back. and i realized that even then, you and me against the world na talaga and drama namin. hehe. ewan. people were just dead sure that we wouldn't work out, given his past and the extra-scandalous break up. and when everthing and everyone is against you and you are just burning to lash out at them, it pays to have some angels (in the form of friends) that reminds you of the things that really matter.

our journal was supposed to be seen only by us (me and daddy), but because he was bored and he's much bigger than both of us put together, we weren't really given much choice on the matter. hehe. our friend grabbed our little pink notebook and scribbled all over it.

it's true. God finds a way to talk to you at times when you need it most.

(click here for Arjay's letter)

P.S. masaya pala yung feeling na nagbubura ng mga basurang tags no. hehehe. lalo na pag iniimagine mong naninigas sa kahihintay ng reply yung langaw na sunod ng sunod sayo. hahaha. baka mawili ako nito.

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(seriously.)

PS. deleting tags are more fun than they seem.

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look at my very own seach engine!

(wanna get your own?)

enjoy, you guys.

my online portfolio's almost done. daddy's is on the way, then joey's. yep, i'll be making all those. i found this really cool blog site that's perfect for them. Tabulas is the best for personal use, it's probably the most user-friendly blog out there (wanna register? get one here.), but professional-wise, it's sort of the pits. first of all, the url itself is a turn off. the new blog site i found goes with username.hostname.com. but it's not at LJ or Blogspot or i.ph, i think those sites are too mainstream, hehe. and it's got some really cool features: posting in rich text format, password protecting pages and entries, spam protected comments, comment approval by users, etc. really useful for portfolios and work related stuff. the only thing that's not so good about it is that they don't give you much freedom over your layout. but they do have some really cool templates there, so that kind of makes up for it. right now, i'm still kinda getting my feet wet with its control panel, but i'm quickly getting hang of it.

daddy bought a new phone. ayos.

survey from nicole.

Instructions: Name ten of life's simple pleasures that you like the most, then pick ten people to do the same.

my relationship: simply the sweetest thing life has offered me. the best thing about our relationship is that, though far from perfect, we grow together and he brings out the best in me. he does his best too, and the fact that he's such a smart, sweet, loyal guy doesn't hurt either. i don't care what other people think of him, and i definitely don't care about his past. we have a (happy) life now with each other and to me, that's all that matters. he's all that matters.

my mom: simply one of the strongest women in the world. she endured a terrible marriage, a messy domestic life with my father, and when they separated, a single mother of a bull-headed, temperemental brat. haha. i wouldn't be here if not for her. and i'm proud of the fact that she never left me, and that she raised me well single handedly. we're poor, but we are so much richer in things that really matter.

my bestfriends: joey, erika, elaine, che, wedge, yvan, eurika, loraine sara, marited.  i don't get to talk to some of them anymore, but these are the people who made life worth living, at least at the time when everything is dark and gloomy. i'm glad i met them, and i'm glad that i shared a part of my life with them.

my puppies: the cutest, spunkiest pets in the world. they make me smile at the midst of my troubles and it's a nice feeling to have them cuddle up to me and only me.

art: my first love, something i'm trying to reunite with lately. i simply can't live without it. i get troubles and all i have to do is doodle away and i am okay again. i'm weird that way, pardon me.

books: i share such an affair with them that sometimes it's almost a sin. most of my books are dilapidated, an evidence of the fact that i overuse all of them, read and reread and reread each one until i know the contents by heart and i can probabaly win a gameshow if ever there was one made just about my books.

computers and the internet: another escape route for me, surfing takes my mind off most of my troubles. this is probably why i've never been blessed with my own PC. i'm such a geek now as it is. i'd probably stay inside like a hermit and tinker with my PC all day and night if ever. hehe.

ponytails: i simply can't go out without them.

Gilmore Girls: what can i say? i'm a fan.

chick flicks: my one feminine characteristic. i just like them. i have no idea why.

i choose: daddy, nia, edi, riz, joni, barbie, tal, tenten, mitch, kate, janyn, raiza, ryza, and whoever wants to answer them. mmwa!

 

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