Paradise Philippines

last tuesday, i went to our church to pray for five things:

:: my mom's health: earlier, my mom asked me to pull off all her white hair-- the first time in all of my twenty years. i've never really thought of my mom as old, because (anyone who has seen and met her could testify to this) she acts more like a teenager than i do. i got a little sad, and i wondered how much time i still have left to spend with her, and like the way i always overanalyze things, i thought about how i would feel and what i would do when, as inevitable as it was, her "time" finally came. i prayed for her health, and for God to help me prepare myself, and to let her live long enough to meet her future grandbabies.

:: my sweetheart's safety: his traumatic encounter in that hell bus the other day really, really scared me. i'm grateful that nothing bad happened, that he was spared from any injury, and i thanked God for that. and i asked Him to always guide him, and keep him away from harm.

:: Jhoey's hapiness: alam na ni Jhoey to. i prayed for her hapiness, because it kills me to see her sad, even though she tries to hide it. i know her too well to be fooled. everything will work out for her, i know. she's one of the most deserving girls in the world. labyu jhoey. thanks for you know what. mwa!

:: my peace of mind: lately my default protocol has been to grit my teeth and keep my knee-jerk (violent) reactions veiled, and keep my rage away from me--in a safe distance--until it cools enough to touch, until i could deal with it with a logical mind. i prayed for God to help me, to take out these ugly feelings, and today, i felt that He has granted my prayer. i feel a whole lot better.

:: for the steady improvement of our relationship: i get so elated whenever he thanks me for "riding out" his unpredictable temper (which is perhaps his biggest flaw), and whenever he tells me that i'm the only one who could do that. i worked hard for it. i really did. and his words-- it's like getting a 100% on a quiz you studied hard for. and what's more, i can certainly see him striving to change, to at least control himself when he gets mad. i'm really happy--it tells me that he loves me enough to try. God really has been gracious to me, and i prayed for His continued guidance.

there are always two sides in every story. so before you start judging me, i suggest you try to know what's mine. if i don't open my mouth because of every little thing, its because i don't want to create any more tension and misunderstanding. haha. how terribly wrong i was. it seems as if my keeping silent is my greatest mistake.

totoo pala. sabi sa isa sa mga specialized journ handouts namin, kung sino pa ang wala naman talagang alam, sila pa ang malakas ang loob na magsalita. analyze your data and do not do any violence them. make your information well-rounded. at least, that's what one of our professors said.

last night, after i got home from sweetheart's place, my mom cooked dinner for us and i kept her company while i played with Chuckie and Kimmi and fed them doggy treats. Just to inform you guys, my mom can't remember their proper names so we call Kimmi "Puti", while Chuckie, we dubbed "Itim", obviously because of their color. anyway, my mom was trying to get Kimmi to stand on her hind legs, and we were both laughing because it seems as if their butts will fall off-- they were wagging their tails so hard.

me: mommy, tignan mo yung pwet ni Puti oh.

mommy: masaya sila naglalaro kasi tayo eh.

spending all day with sweetheart, spending time with my mom and my dogs (which i wasn't able to do in quite a while)-- could there be a more perfect day?

Main Entry: ¹cal·lus
Pronunciation: 'ka-l&s
Function: noun
1 : a thickening of or a hard thickened area on skin or bark

kalyo. sa ingles, callus. matigas. makapal. manhid. madalas, marami nyan sa paa. minsan sa kamay, kung adik kang magsulat. marami ako nyan. mabigat kasi ang mga yapak ko. padalos-dalos akong maglakad. minsan, hindi ko rin kasalanan. pag masikip ang sapatos ko, at ayokong magpabili dahil nanghihinayang ako sa pera, nagtitiis ako kahit nagsusumigaw nanaman sa sakit ang mga paa ko, at alam kong may mga kalyong parang kabuteng magsusulputan sa aking mga talampakan.

marami ko nyan. makakapal. ang kapal kapal. hindi sila nakakaramdam. wala silang pakialam kung nahihirapan ako sa aking paglalakad dahil sa kakapalan nila. wala silang nararamdaman. kahit ilang beses mong gupitin, tumutubo lang ulit-- at mas makapal pa! kahit inaalagaan mo, sinasabon gabi-gabi, kinukukos, wala silang pakialam. pahihirapan ka nila hanggat gusto nila. yun ang trabaho nila eh. yun ang silbi nila sa mundo. alagaan mo man o hindi, pakitaan mo ng mabuti o masama, ikaw pa rin ang dehado. ganyan ang mga kalyo.

minsan, naiingit ako sa kanila. gusto kong maging manhid. gusto kong maging makapal. para walang maramdaman, kahit paulit-ulit akong gupitin o kuskusin, wala akong mararamdaman.

pero hindi. kabaligtaran ang nagyayari. ang kalyo, pag paulit-ulit mong sinaktan, lalong nagiging manhid. kahit alagaan mo nga, manhid pa rin eh. pucha.

ako kaya, kelan mamanhid sa mga pananakit?

gusto ko nang maging manhid. gusto ko nang maging manhid.

[[edit]]

ang buhay nga naman, laging nagbibiro.

wala na sya. hindi ko sya kilala. hindi kami friends, kahit dito sa tabs. nakilala ko lang sya dahil wala na sya. dahil nag blog si techyckles tungkol sa kanya.

naisip ko, nung nag entry kaya sya tungkol sa birthday ng mama nya, siguro kung alam nya na sa loob ng apat na oras, babawiin na sya.. hindi na siguro sya umalis. si Lord talaga, minsan unfair. kaka birthday pa lang ng mama nya, pinapaiyak na nya.

maraming akong plinaplano. pro pano nga kaya kung hindi na rin ako umabot sa bukas? nakakaakilabot.

yung naisulat ko sa taas, yan ay dulot ng matinding sama ng loob na nararamdaman ko dahil sa kagagawan ng ilang tao. wala ng panahon para sumama pa ang loob. hindi na dapat magpaapekto. magaan na ang loob ko ngayon.

sayang ang oras. hindi ko alam kung bukas, kukunin narin ako. wag naman sana.

condolences, sa mga naiwan nya. lalo na sa prend kong si Techyckles. naiyak ako sa mga comments and tags nyo sa kanya.

i-fefriends-only sana tong post na to eh. pero, wag na lang. gusto ko rin namang malaman nila to.

these past few months have been really really tough, but that doesn't mean i'm not happy. God really has a way of disguising His blessings.

i went through a roller coaster ride to hell and back, and the experience gave me an opportunity to re-assess who my friends really are, and more importantly, who they are not.

his coming into my life brought a lot of emotional trials and a lot of forced decision-making. a lot of people said he was only gonna use me, to make someone else jealous, as an instrument of revenge, whatever. they had good reason, and i understand. but look who's really "with me" now? he's the one who stood by me and made me feel that someone cares for me still, that i am not alone in this big tough battle, that i can always, always turn into his shoulder when i need to cry.

and whenever i was bursting with hapiness and i wanted to "share" some of the things he said, some of the things he's done that sent me flying through the stars, you looked at me with skepticism, and told me nagpapauto lang ako. i understand why you said that, i really did, but i want you to know that this is the reason why i closed my lips against you, why i never shared anything again. if i want someone to know that i'm happy, it only makes sense to share it with people who are happy for me. no offense, though.

and this is for you. you know who you are.

i am not mad. honestly. after all, it's been what, four years? apat na taon mo ng ginagawa yan sakin, kaya sanay nako. akala ko non pag nasanay ka, matututo ka na ring maging manhid. mali ako. hanggang ngayon, nasasaktan ako sa mga ginagawa mo. siguro nga, masyado kitang minahal.

kaya kong isumbat lahat ng kasalan mo sakin, at lahat ng ginawa ko para sayo para lang ipamukha na hindi ako nagkulang, pero hindi ko yun gagawin. natiis ko ngang hindi gawin yun para sa taong pinaka kinamumuhian ko, para sayo pa kaya?

kung nasaktan/tinamaan man kayo sa mga sinusulat ko dito, pinapaalam ko sa inyo ngayon na hindi para sa inyo yun. isa at isang tao lang ang tinitira ko dito, ang pinakamalaking tinik sa pwet ko, at hindi kayo yun. alam nyo naman kung sino yun eh.

sa inyo, hindi rin ako galit. alam ko may pagkukulang rin ako sa inyo, hindi kasi ko nagoopen up, kaya imposibleng malaman niyo kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. kaya naiintindihan ko. pero inaamin ko, hiniling ko na sana, hindi niyo na lang ako hinusgahan. tutal, hindi nyo rin naman ako talagang kilala.

sa kabila ng lahat, masaya parin ako. sabi nga sa ingles, it will be like pulling off a Band-Aid. isang sakitan na lang. pagtapos nito, wala na.

and God and the rest of our old "barkada" knows how much i cared for you.

maybe some friends, just like lovers, are not meant to be friends after all.

salamat pa rin.

i'm ok now.

sabi ko kay switart kagabi, anlaki na ng pinagbago ko. kayang kaya ko ng talunin ang galit ko ngayon. kaya kong magalit at titigan ang galit ko, at kaya ko ng pigilan ang mga lason na salita na gustong lumabas sa mga labi ko. napansin nga raw nya. kung noon to, jusmiyo malamang nag ala edi ako at nakarinig ng maliit na TING! sa tenga--ang hudyat ng laban.

si Lord talaga, parang terror professor eh. hehe. pagtapos akong bigyan ng leksyon, eto at binibigyan naman ako ng pagsubok. tinupad nya nga yung pinagpray ko, na sana matutunan kong mapatawad yung malaking tinik sa pwet ko. oo binunot nya yung tinik na yon, pero pinalitan nya naman, mas malaki at mas matalim. mas masakit.

ang nakakatuwa nyan, mas madali kong natanggal ang tinik na yun--yung mas malaki. totoo nga. mahirap lang talaga sa simula.

so this is how i sum up my year so far:

:: that it is not in how long the friendship is, but how well you understand one another. he has not only been a boyfriend to me and a brother, but a friend as well. one of the greatest friends in my life. in just 3 months, he was able to show and give me what four years of friendship could not. he was there to listen, not just to hear. he was there to understand. he made me feel good, he never let me feel that i was inferior. he never put me down. most importantly, he was there to respect and accept me, not just because i'm me but also inspite of me being me. he understood the way i always feel so strongly about the people i love, and he appreciated everything i did and still do for him. that makes a lot of difference. at least for me it does.

:: that even strangers could make one another feel good, even if the only place they meet is in the crazy cyberworld of blogs. i can't believe how much closer to my tabs friends i am now than i was before. maybe sincerity could be felt even through wires and internet and CPUs.

:: that adversity tries people, and it will either bring out the best or worst in you. adversity has tried me and the people around me. i chose to try and be my best, and it made me feel good in spite of it all. while this thought possesses me, i could not be made rude or vulgar even by those who are rude and vulgar to me.

:: that you don't have to be with a certain person 24/7 to know that you are friends. friendship is more that being partners in class, having lunch together, strolling aimlessly in a mall, whatever. friendship is when you know that you can spend lots of time or no time at all with someone, and he'd/she'd still be your friend. my friends chloe and jhoey are sterling examples.

:: that you can keep your mouth shut and not do anything, but you know that without explanations, a real friend will understand you. arjay, i've fixed your friendster. sensya na ngayon lang. tamang tama rin naman. let it be my special way of saying thanks.

:: that no matter how tough life is, there are always choices. try to choose the good.

and if you don't like what you see here, you can just click that little box with the X on it up there. i didn't write this for you.

thanks to my sweetheart, who stayed with me last night even though he really had to go home. dabes ka talaga. let's just let it go ok?

i already did.

i love you mwa!

all's well that ends well, and all faults are forgiven. including mine.

nuff said.

haha, ang funny mo naman. nabubuhay ka talaga sa pagchismis sa buhay ko. as in goal mong pabagsakin ako. moved on moved on, moved on my ass. saya saya mo siguro no, nagkalit kami ni hanne? nye. wala ka na bang magawa sa life mo at ginagawa mong teleserye buhay ko, lagi mong sinusubaybayan? ahaha. kung kelan pa namang napatawad na kita. tuloy lang. nafeefeel kong napakaimportante ko sa life mo, baka mawalan ka ng silbi pag hindi mo na ko pinepeste eh, wawa ka naman. tulong ko nalang yan sa napaka pathetic mong buhay. siguro kabisado mo pati secret life ko? magpaka groupie ka forever hanggang sa maduling ka.  teka, duling ka na yata? ewan. diko naman tinititigan feys mo.

hay naku si joanne. lukarit ever. kahit na lagi kame nagaaway, hindi ko yan matiis. we may do stupid things when we fight, pero, pero bati pa rin ulit. eh ganun kame eh. love-hate kumbaga. di naman kame tatagal ng ganito kung di kami marunong magpatawad. antot, dito lang ako, kung wala ka ng makausap. as in dito lang. pero wag ka magtext, rejected sim ko eh.

and he continues to prove everybody wrong.

it really is true. you'll know it's for real when he brings out the best in you. and when he is with me, or even without me, i am simply a golden girl.

alabyu alabyu alabyu

Ustetika night was ruddy marvelous *waves to all HP fans*.  the food, the place, the glamorous Varsi people. i'm glad i was there to witness it all, if only for the last time.

No, I didn't win.  and it's a good thing i take disappointment pretty well, otherwise, i would've been terribly heartbroken. anyway, i didn't come for the awards, i came for the food. ahh. malupitang defense mechanism yan ah. hehe. joke. honestly, i joined just so i could stop nagging myself about being such a coward and not trying, and last night convinced me beyond all reasonable doubt (and four effing years too late) that i am, as i've always suspected, in the totally wrong course. i mean, c'mon. i think more of layouts and photoshop and graphic design more than i do about articles. hehe. and my "muse", as my sweetheart fondly calls em, does not inspire me to grab a pen and a piece of paper, but to run to the nearest computer shop and work on a layout or an image i have dancing in my mind.

attending Ustetika was like entering a dimension of the world i never ventured into before. the place was just teeming with writers, people aspiring to be writers, and people good enough to aspire to be writers. i must've been the most clueless contestant there.  let me make my point clearer:

camz: ano yung parangal hagbong?
swit<3: literary awards na iba
camz: ah, ok. san sila?
chuck: yun oh (yuro sa likod)
camz: isa lang sya?
chuck: di dadating si sionil. saka patay na si ___ (nakalimutan ko pangalan)
camz: ah, ok..

0_o. um. kaumusta naman yun. ako lang yata di nakaalam nun eh. haha, i felt sooo ignorant. well, how was i supposed to know? i've never even heard of of her until last night.

anyway, nanalo idol ko. galing. kaya masya rin ako kagabi. o san ka pa. first Filipino fictionist na hinangaan ko ay estudyante ring tulad ko. congrats to chuck rin.

the events of the past few weeks was like a thump on the head for me. i was laboring under the delusion that no one apart for my tabulas friends actually visits my site and bothers to read my posts. i somehow realized that far too many eyes could see my entries and i could not control the way they might interpret my posts. not to mention the eyes of a groupie who also happens to be suffering from severe crab mentality, who's ready to pounce on any misfortune that comes along my way. and i am far too earnest for my own good. so i decided last night, to turn semi-introversial Ryza-style *hello Ryza mwa* and keep the more private posts in the Friends-only Category. there's something so liberating about writing when you know that the people who reads you are your cyber friends, people who've never seen you before. somehow i feel that there are times they get me more than the people who knows me personally does.

so i'm gonna start cleaning up my friends list now.

[[60 SECONDS BATIAN]]

feeling Uplate ito.

alabshu to Ryza, Tal, Edi, Nia, Jen, Riz, Barbie, Meri, Mitch, Antot! *blows kisses to all*

Jhoey, mwa! Rianne, hello! (nagbabasa ka pala ng blogs ah o ayan binati kita. ) Kalowi, uwe ka na!

sweetheart i <3 you! amisyu! mwa!

last week, after chastising my pups for once again tearing up our old newspapers and brutally murdering a mouse for the third time:

mommy: sinong pinalo mo?
camz: silang dalawa
mommy: *nakasimangot* diko nga sila pinapalo eh
camz: 0_o

kampihan daw ba ang doggy kesa sa sariling anak? kumusta naman yun.  maya maya:

camz: nginatngat nila shampoo mo
mommy: ha? natapon?
camz: hindi naman. yan oh.
mommy: ang mahal nyan eh, patayin mo na nga yang mga yan

lol. my mom would be a horrible case witness if ever. she's so inconsistent. but don't get me wrong, we both really love Chuckie and Kimmi. they are the ones who make us smile in the midst of all our troubles.

i love animals and i am infuriated at anyone who mistreats them. it's horrible how human beings abuse them to further their own interests. No, animals are not more important than humans. But who says that humans are more important than them? It's all this egotism coming from the fact that we believe ourselves to be above all creatures. Animals have just as much right to live as we do.

WARNING: the videos contain disturbing scenes. *opens in a new window*

[[videos from normee]]

SPREAD THE WORD

c'mon, click on em. see how cruel and heartless the world could be. are we willing to continue living in a world such as this?

sweetheart, i love you. no amount of "i love yous" and "mwas" are ever gonna suffice.

who'd like to have a copy of Half Blood Prince? I could send it by email. just drop a comment with your email add.

[[copied from jianne]]

THIRTEEN RANDOM THINGS YOU LIKE:
13. raindrops
12. star gazing
11. moonlight
10. cellphone
9. pink
8. harry potter
7. books
6. webdesign
5. graphic design
4. MTV
3. internet
2. blogging
1. california maki

TWELVE GREAT MOVIES
12. 50 1st dates
11. Ever After
10. Minority Report
9. Mean Girls
8. Spiderman
7. Xmen
6. Kill Bill 1 &2
5. Notebook
4. Finding Nemo
3. Cruel Intentions
2. Monters Inc.
1. Little Women

ELEVEN GOOD BANDS/ARTISTS
11.
10.
9. 
8.
7.
6. dashboard
5. paramita
4. nickelback
3. spongecola
2. my chemical romance
1. eheads

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOU
10. takot sa langgam
9. pero gusto kong magka ant farm
8. i have two dogs
7. uber transparent
6. loves graphic designs
5. addicted to maki
4. clueless about fashion (as in)
3. hates "plastic" people
2. hates liars and backstabbers
1. in love

NINE CHILDHOOD FRIENDS
9. erika
8. elaine
7. cheche
6. lenlen
5. nining
4. christian
3. denden
2. phillip
1. joyce

EIGHT FAVORITE FOODS/DRINKS
8. California maki
7. tuna misono
6. crabs and shrimps
5. bacon and cheese pizza
4. mushroom and cheese burgers
3. baked rice melt
2. chicken
1. anything made of potatoes

SEVEN THINGS YOU WEAR DAILY (aside from clothes)
7.
6.
5.
4.
3. um, undies?
2. deodorant
1. ponytail

SIX THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY
6. my friends
5. chuckie
4. kimmi
3. comments on my entries
2. my mom
1. sweetheart

FIVE SHOWS YOU WATCH
5. gilmore girls
4. si Imang hehe
3. spongebob squarepants
2. MTV pimp my ride
1. nat geo (kaya lang la na kame cable)

FOUR THINGS THAT IRRITATE YOU
4. backstabbers
3. bitterness
2. plastic
1. paawa effect

THREE CELEBRITIES YOU ADMIRE
3. drew barrymore
2. rachel mcadams
1. alexis bledel

YOUR TWO MOST FAVORITE PEOPLE
2. mommy
1. sweetheart

ONE GREATEST FEAR IN LIFE
1. failure

my last Paskuhan in UST was superb. it was the first time i saw the fireworks display (and i've been studying in UST since high school, im such a dork). it was.. beautiful. i got all teary-eyed for a while (yea, yea im a dork). we were right in the field when it started and we were right beneath the sparks. i swear i almost thought the sparks were gonna fall on us, i kept on reaching out thinking i could touch them.

and he was right beside me. the lights simultaneously glowed all around us and showers of colorful stars were over our heads, and i am literally holding my happiness between my fingers. forgive my dorkiness, i know you must be retching right now. haha.

so, enough of that. once again, i'm quoting Riz (hi Riz!):

some things are just beyond blogging. *silly smile on face*

Nia, Edi, daya nyo ingget ako! hindi ko kayo nakita, nakalimutan kong sabihin na sira ang cel ko huhu. camz--> eng eng. di bale marame pang paskuhan. albyu prinses edi and nia! mwa!

[[for sweetheart]]

i know how much it cost you to try last night--for my sake. and that, more than the beautiful christmas lights and the giant christmas tree and the shower of fireworks and the free food and our classmates and everything in Paskuhan put together, really made my night.

i know your battles, i know your efforts. i can see/feel them bearing fruit, one by one, and i can't be more proud of you. you conquered yourself so successfully last night, and i.. i'm thankful. i know you did it for me.

i love love love you.

thesis writing really sucks. thanks to those who answered/will answer the interview questions i sent. i love you guys. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

i don't like hourglasses. metaphorically, it is often used to symbolize time slipping so steadily away. but it could also be something else. it could something you love/like/want. something you want to keep close but, like time and the sand trapped inside that damn eight-shaped glass, it just keeps on trickling away.

at least, that's what i thought.

and then he does it again. spring out of nowhere and catch me totally by surprise. whisper me a bouquet of promises and a banquet of comfort. seedlings of doubt instantly shriveled up and died.

somehow, i knew everything would be alright. everything is fine.

speaking of metaphors, i got to think lately, that snakes are often (mis)used to symbolize a traitor/backstabber. i don't know what the snakes did to the inventor of this expression but i really think that we are not justified in this belief.

snakes bite, they attack, and their attacks are not fun. worst case scenario--deadly fangs sinking into you leg and poison creeping into your bloodstreams and then it is too late. but you see, they attack when you startle them, or when you bait them. what's more, you actually know when they're gonna attack. you know when to run, or when to stay really, really still.

backstabbers just go up behind you and strike when you can't possibly fight back. they hit you where it hurts and you won't even get a chance to run away. maybe that's why i've always despised them. they don't don't fight fair. snakes they are not. more like.. termites.

but then, saying "that person is a snake" is loads more dramatic and insulting than saying "that person is a termite". snort. whatever.

i've been telling myself, when i was trying (very hard) not to strike back at a certain someone that backstabbers are cowards. they may be annoying, but they're not worth my time.

sure. as long as she keeps out of my face. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! I LOVE Y'ALL!

i miss him.

stupid computer. it won't download our coding sheet. i need to revise it.

i'm gonna effing finish my thesis, dammit. i swear. i swear.

December 28 was one perfect* day for me. since he preempted my kwento, you must know by now that yeah, we went to enchanted kingdom, all expenses paid by my mom's boss(?). the fuull-blown story? next time. i want pics to accompany it. heehee.

------

perfect*:we did hit a few bumps in the road. although i must say, far from ruining our day, it only made our trip all the more special, kind of like how diamonds look after they have been cut and shaped--they sparkle more brightly.

i'll rant about New Year and the idiots who keep throwing firecrackers in front of me while walking down the street some other time. i've gotta go.

i really, really, miss him. this is one downside of vacations-we rarely get to see each other. upside though: we have no one to get annoyed at. (right, sweetheart?)

i love you! mwa!